I got a ticket today…
I got a speeding ticket today.
In all honesty this week has felt like receiving a bunch of tickets for random fines I didn’t know existed. All of it is layered with the spiritual side of tiktok reaching me via random tarot readings about my many tower moments as a scorpio rising (and other relevant placements).
To keep it short and sweet: I am exhausted.
I don’t really know how adults do it, and I reallllllly don’t understand how my parents did it and continue to do it. What is “it,” you may be asking…in this case it is life in general. From the nuisance that is insurance or American healthcare to the small things like fighting xfinity about changing my wifi bill from $30 to $90, I am truly exhausted.
During the time when highway patrol took my ID to the time it was returned to me all I could think about was how unfair this was and, simultaneously, how blessed I am to be able to pay the ticket and do what I need to do (traffic school lol) for this to not affect my driving record, or my parents insurance. I think that if I had kids to provide for and other household management tasks on my plate I would have actually lost my, excuse my language (but I feel like it’s valid after the week I’ve had), SHIT!
I am blessed to also have parents that are willing to help me solve the situation and not berate me for what could or couldn’t have been. In fact, I have been visibly moping around the house on the edge of tears for the past 6 hours and they still have not said much to me about how reckless I was being.
And honestly, the way everything played out felt weirdly cinematic…ironic…cosmic…
Everyone in California is always speeding but in this particular moment I had actually slowed down because someone was signaling to come into my lane. I can be mean but generally I am nice. And in situations where someone is giving me a signal, in this case a literal one, I am usually willing to let them do what they need to do. In this unique and very annoying situation the driver did not move to where they were signaling because I’m assuming their autopilot wanted me to go forward before they did. So I did, I sped past them. In that moment highway patrol flagged me and caught up to me because I was slowing down to exit anyways. Yes, definitely do not catch the other 5 cars pushing 90mph and cutting up traffic…definitely get me and write me up!
It feels like a slap in the face, and sometimes worse, whenever something completely avoidable happens to me. I am usually mindful about saying things happen “to me” but right now I cannot be bothered. I hate it almost as much as I hate being wrong. I feel incredibly stupid when I find myself in avoidable situations because I truly do know better.
But the reason this feels so ironic as it played out is because recently I have been prioritizing the signals of others to my own preferences and journey. I shouldn’t have been extra considerate to that guy and I definitely shouldn’t have been speeding in the first place. I shouldn’t have answered a call that put me on edge while I was driving, and I definitely should’ve walked away as soon as my boundaries were disrespected.
I firmly believe that everything in my life happens for a reason. I feel like I know the reason for this but I can also never be sure. That’s reassurance I have to give myself if I ever want to move on from this week and all of its turbulence. I’m sure that in a few years this will all seem quite…unimportant, and in a way inevitable. This is, and hopefully will be, my first and only speeding ticket.
I also firmly believe that you need to FEEL your FEELINGS and it’s totally okay to feel what you need to feel. With that belief comes a very important footnote: you can’t stay down for more than a day. Really though that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my recent years of adulthood. Everyone’s going through something and yes your response to a situation matters a lot, but someeeee times your reaction needs the space to exist. And often when I let myself react how I need to, for a short amount of time, I am able to bounce back and really absorb my learnings from the situation.
So…what I have learned in the past week:
I have been reckless with myself
Just because I know better doesn’t mean I’ll always act the best
You will make silly mistakes
Life will feel like it’s testing you at the worst moments
I love living in SF and relying on public transportation
I did not anticipate, expect, or want for this to be my second blog post but I trust and listen to the calls. This time I felt called to write a post to share and let out my thoughts. I don’t feel the need to apologize for venting on here…after all it is my platform and you clicked your way here. :3
Very happy to have you here though.
And if you have any advice for letting things go and moving on please send me an email about it by clicking the let’s chat button in my footer. I would really like to enjoy Outsidelands this weekend without ruminating on every which way that I was pushed around or tested this week.